I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i need some magic done to my vagina
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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