someone threw a dead crab at me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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