I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
