She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
