1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
