That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
