my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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