i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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