got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
