True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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