When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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