If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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