I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
