accomplished twins. life is a go
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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