You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
How's work?
Spinning.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
