I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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