new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
