i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
