I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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