i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
