Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
