listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
