he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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