You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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