Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
