Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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