My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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