he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
this is an emotional support booty call
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
