Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
