I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
