Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
