I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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