I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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