My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
