I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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