I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
