I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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