Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
