so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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