Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
