I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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