They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
