I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
