Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
