I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
