I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
