I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
