She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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