so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
