a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
