nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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