How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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